Healing in Relationship
“It’s a breakthrough to realize that the purpose of committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy! “ ”
We often look to our partners or our relationships to make us happy. In the early days of a relationship, this part doesn't take much work. We are in romantic love, feeling immersed in the wonder of this amazing partner we have found and the happiness easily flows. Until, we reach the next inevitable stage of relationship and start experiencing conflict with our partner. Here we are, bumping right up against the power struggle.
This dynamic phase of relationship can appear over and over, and serves a very important purpose, to push us to grow and heal in our relationships.
Why can’t it always be sunshine and roses and romance? Well, because the true gift of our relationships is the healing that comes from moving through the power struggle.
Have you ever had an argument with your partner over something little, or reacted to a certain look, and felt in your mind and body that it was a much bigger deal? This is because, whatever the argument or look reminded you of subconsciously, FELT like a bigger deal! Your body reacts to danger the same way whether it is that look from your partner or a tiger chasing you. Unfortunately, when we react to our partners’ look like we are being chased by a tiger, it can create a lot of conflict.
The power struggle phase of our relationships can be the key to healing parts of ourselves that were hurt in the past. By bringing these experiences… or irritations… to our awareness, our brains are helping us view them, acknowledge them, and start the process of releasing their impact on our present behaviors.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE “THAT LOOK”:
1. GET CURIOUS
If you see your partner with that look on their face, and you start bracing for conflict, try getting curious about your reaction to the look instead.
Try answering these prompts:
When I see this look I feel…
This look reminds me of…
A past experience I have had with a look like this is..
When I saw this look in the past, I felt…
*Bonus points if you use these stems in an Imago Dialogue with your partner.
2. PRACTICE MAKING CONNECTIONS
You can start to explore if you are having an intense reaction to the look because it reminds you of a past experience with your partner, or if it goes back even further, to a past relationship, or an interaction with a caretaker in your life. Making connections between your present reactions and your past can help break the cycle of reacting before you are able to explore the situation with your partner.
When we practice bringing these subconscious moments to our awareness, we can start to retrain our brains to see the moment as just a look, instead of the threat we may be subconsciously applying to that look.
3. A LITTLE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GOES A LONG WAY
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt goes a long way. When you see the look, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “What is the story I’m telling myself about this look? What else might be going on with my partner?”
Try answering these prompts:
The story I tell myself about this look is…
Something that might be going on with my partner, that does not involve me is…
Something I can do, or take responsibility for to be supportive of my partner is…
When you give yourself time to pause and breathe, you take away your nervous system’s first response, and allow your brain to catch up. You give yourself some time to respond, instead of reacting.
As much as we like to think we are excellent mind readers, we don’t actually have this super power. The look may be about something that happened at work, or with the kids, it may be about an upset stomach, or it may very well be about you. But giving yourself and your partner the chance to have a conversation about the look, without resorting to reactive habits, is an important step in healing together.
Moving through the Power Struggle phase of relationship, takes patience, skills, and a lot of communication. Using the Imago Intentional Dialogue with your partner, will help you to uncover the layers of your reactions and behaviors in your relationship. It will allow you both to reach a deeper understanding of your own reactions and subconscious assumptions, and it will help you make more conscious decisions in the future. Making conscious connections between your current behavior and your past experiences will begin the process of healing those past hurts.
And the bonus is, when you are able to make these connections and heal together, that joy and happiness we are seeking flows easily again.
To learn more about healing in relationships, join us for our Imago Workshops. See below for more information.
