Conflict Isn’t the End: What a Thriving Relationship Actually Looks Like
A common misconception is that a strong, healthy relationship does not have conflict.
This is an impossible standard to set for our relationships, yet we often believe it to be true. When we experience conflict in our relationships, we feel like we are failing at the fairy-tale romance we have been promised. In romance novels and films, there may be some difficulty in the characters’ relationship while they are dating or slaying dragons, but once they end up together, their relationship is magically perfect and they ride off into the sunset smiling, in love and deep passion. While these stories are great entertainment, in real life, conflict and disagreements are inevitable, no matter how strong your love.
Relationships are between individuals who each have their own unique perspective and background. Conflict arises when our perspective and objective bumps up against our partner’s different perspective.
For example, you come home from running errands and are thinking of the person who cut you off in traffic, then start thinking about the stressful things that you heard on the news. You walk in the door to your house and bring an elevated energy into the room and a look on your face that suggests “don’t mess with me". Your partner is there and you don’t immediately say hello because you are lost in thought. Your partner senses that you are upset and sees the look on your face, and becomes defensive because they think your energy is directed at them. Your partner is now giving you defensive energy and you don’t know why, so you also become defensive. “Why are they looking at me like that? I didn’t do anything!” And just like that you are in a relationship conflict.
If it is inevitable and easy to slip into conflict, how do you know when your relationship is thriving?
A thriving relationship exists when you know how to handle the conflict.
You are thriving when:
You can bring awareness to your own reactions in a conflict
You are able to notice things starting to slip between you and your partner
You have the skills to course correct and shift your interactions to a respectful and caring place
You know an argument has caused a rift, but you also know how to repair that rift
You see something lovely that your partner has done for you and you let them know what it meant to you
You know how to communicate in a way that you both feel seen and heard
A thriving relationship is not a fairy tale where everyone is happy and smiling all of the time. A thriving relationship means you and your partner feel comfortable having difficult and meaningful conversations together, because you have the tools to make those conversations less painful and more connecting.
Thriving means helping each other express your desires and struggles and have them land with understanding, rather than miscommunication. Thriving means creating intimacy through finding common ground and helping your partner achieve their desires and reach your common goals. It also means when things get rough, when the world is a scary place, you have each other to lean on and find comfort.
In Imago, a large part of a thriving relationship means that you are healing together.
This is accomplished when couples are able to share everyday experiences, and the deepest parts of themselves, in a connected and respectful way. In the Imago Dialogue, you and your partner learn about one another, and yourselves, through listening and repeating back what you have heard your partner say. You then empathize with your partner’s feelings and reach common ground through validating your partner’s perspective… even if you don’t agree with it.
Validating your partner, letting them know you understand where they are coming from, is essential for conflict resolution. You do not have to agree with your partner’s perspective, but you stretch your own point of view to see how they might experience the world.
The Imago approach helps couples find paths through personal resistance and defensiveness.
When we feel overlooked or dismissed, it can lead us to shut down affection and intimacy with our partner. Overtime, that distance can quietly grow. When you feel dismissed, it is easy to isolate and very difficult to pursue connection or physical intimacy.
As you get more and more fluent with using the Imago tools, you will experience a shift. Instead of pulling away, you will feel more comfortable taking a step forward, toward your partner. When you have a tool like the Imago Dialogue, that repeatedly allows you to have deeply personal conversations that leave you feeling seen and heard, you don’t need to disappear or shut down the connection anymore. You know what to do when things get difficult, when you slip into conflict, or you need to repair a miscommunication, and it gives you a feeling of security with your partner. In a moment of conflict, when you know all is not lost because you have a secure foundation with your partner, you create a level of deep intimacy and trust in your relationship.
And this is where the healing happens. Discovering what experiences have shaped your reactions, what is really behind conflicts with your partner, allows you to feel secure with your partner. That security allows you to release those things that are holding you back and create a thriving future where you learn from your mistakes and get better and better together.
Here is a helpful framework to help you THRIVE in your relationship:
T - Trust
Build a secure, reliable relationship foundation using Imago tools
H - Healing
Heal from hurtful experiences through connection
R - Repair with Respect
Return after conflict with care and accountability
I - Intimacy
Invite tenderness emotionally and physically
V - Validation
Help your partner feel seen and understood
E - Empathy
Recognize how your partner might be feeling
While a struggling relationship creates hardship and stress, a thriving relationship does the opposite. It makes everything around that relationship easier and more fulfilling. When you have the tools to navigate conflict with care, build trust, communicate with intention, and meet each other with empathy, you can create a thriving relationship…no matter what comes your way.
If you want to learn more about creating thriving relationships, join us for our workshops, Getting the Love You Want (for couples), Keeping the Love You Find (for individuals), and Art and Dialogue (for couples or individuals). You can find all our upcoming workshops HERE.
